Antonymically Correct

oranges
oranges (Photo credit: WGyuri)

Clint Eastwood is quite possibly best know for a few memorable quotes that span the entirety of his career. These include “get off my lawn,” and “go ahead, make my day.” Put these two together and you get the general gist of the following list. Every so often, you’re going to catch me saying something about a person, a group of people, or an idea that I don’t agree with. This is my list. I call it my hit list.

This list is always under construction.

THE HIT LIST (a.k.a. The SHIT LIST)

CLINT EASTWOOD: Clint Eastwood may be the most badass actor Hollywood has ever seen, but his personality is the darkest it has ever seen as well. Accounts of him sleeping with prostitutes, maintaining mistresses, and getting doped up on random shit nobody knows the name of reflect something in Hollywood that is known as the dark side. I choose Clint Eastwood to be the representative of this behavior not because of his recent dealings in it, he is actually on a slow road to recovery. I choose him because of his great skill in keeping a lid on it. Persons unknowledgeable would readily list someone like Charlie Sheen or Mel Gibson as at the head of this movement, but they are merely selling those characters to sell more to the raunchy audience. No, they are nowhere near the level that our dearest Mayor of Monterrey has reached.

WAR: War is known by many as the root of all evil. War makes populations stagnate in their imaginations, jaded in their emotions, and cynical of their own aspirations. War has been equated by the likes of Kennith Waltz and other great scholars to that of an earthquake, and to ask who won a war is like asking who won the San Fransisco Earthquake. There are no winners in war, only varying degrees of losers.

THE MODERN TEA PARTY: The founding principle of the modern TEA party has always been a great idea, and I’m so glad someone is doing what they are doing. I’m not sure how many of my readers are familiar with the TEA party, but TEA actually stands for Taxed Enough Already. As I say again, the concept is great. It’s the people that drive me insane. They are all idiots. I say this in the most scientifically correct terminology as possible.

GLENN BECK: I cannot believe, even after he was fired from his television station, that this man still has a following. He is a racist, a biggot, and a straight-up asshole.

ANONYMOUS: This group of leaderless hackers jumps around more often then a chicken without a head. They really have no core discipline, no founding principles, and no real type of identity to speak of. Probably why they’re called Anonymous. What gets me ticked is when they move from private business mainframes into the world of governments. They have targeted the CIA, Congress and numerable other targets inside the US government. I believe in the greatness of this nation too much for these dickheads to walk all over it.

THE ZETAS: How in the world do the Zetas sleep at night? They kill for money, sell drugs for money, and do basically everything humanly possible to get more money. They have gone against, as a collective, just about every commandment and have committed every cardinal sin. They are the scum of the earth, along with every other drug running organization on planet earth.

THE GULF CARTEL: Not that they are any worse then the Zetas, but in the fact that the Zetas were a breakaway fractured from the Gulf Cartel, I thought I’d mention that I don’t like them either. That’s more then most Mexican government officials can say.

THE ORANGE LODGE: Representative now days of the Enigma that was William of Orange, the Orange Lodge is a symbol of the former colonial might of the British Empire. The people of Orange are those who occupy one third of the Irish national flag, and it is for this reason that they are on my list. I’m sure the people of India have their own ideas about the Orange Lodge.

AGING, SENILE CATHOLICS: These are the old women of whom I meet often while attending mass at my home parish. They tend to habitually point out all the distinct ways that I have sinned over the past week, and then proceed to tell me that I am going to hell. They smile while they are saying all of this, as if they genuinely wish that upon everyone but themselves. They are wolves in the clothing of sheep. Oh, and the reason why I haven’t been to mass in the past four months is because I was in another state, and I went to mass every single week. Get a life. Hag.

“MATURE” ADULTS: You tend to find more of these types of people in the professional world. They think that maturity comes from the absololvement of their own natural tendencies. They are the pilot that shot down St. Exuperry. They are the people I meet who are only at college to get a job, and not really to learn. They are the immature ones.

THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY: more research required.

SARAH PALIN: Somebody please explain to me how this person became the governor of Alaska? She’s obviously stupid. Her entire knowledge of international affairs was taught to her using flash cards while she was running for vice president. And what a train wreck that was. Also, there is speculation that she was suffering from UNTREATED bipolar disorder during the campaign, which if left unchecked, would have led to a major episode (although her campaign staff would say it already happened after her interview with Catie Couric). McCain might have actually had a chance if he had actually met with her before the campaign started. Now, because of the disaster that was the 2008 Republican campaign, there is a rather large quantity of people in America who believe she is their shining star. They are not the meek, they are the snot rags of society.

FOX NEWS: The most biased and bigoted news channel on television. I wouldn’t trust their election coverage as far as a cat can throw a stick. Which isn’t very far, considering the observation that cats don’t have aposable thumbs.

SHARIA LAW: Probably one of the most effective pieces of legislation that has ever transpired in the history of humanity. It is the greatest crime deterrent ever. In societies where you can loose your hand for stealing bread, it is only those who value one more day of life over the use of their appendages who are going to get caught stealing. My problem with it stems from its ill treatment of women. If you are raped as a woman, under sharia law, both the rapist and the woman are severely punished. Women, under true sharia law, can be beaten by their husbands. In America, we have a name for this behavior: Asshole. Assholes like to shit all over everything.

IDENTITY THIEVES: Seriously, were you only fed formula as a child? What is up with people who think that they are so far above everyone else morally that they steal their identities? Is it a sport? I just don’t get it.

TRUTHERS: These people believe that governments around the world are being united by an elite alien race of lizard-men who have created the United Nations as a means to enslave humanity. The fall of the twin towers, they say, was an “inside job” that was perpetrated by forces within the ranks of the US Government to spark a decade-long war that would eliminate those rogue elements of humanity that do not agree with being assimilated into the ranks of subjugation by the lizard-men; those being Al Qaeda and Sadaam Hussein.

BIRTHERS: These people make the outrageous unsubstantiated claim that President Barack Obama was not born in the United States of America. They say that he was really born in Kenya and was smuggled into this country as an illegal immigrant who was nurtured to become the first black president. Who did the nurturing? Many people believe different things. Some say that he’s an agent of radical Islam. Some say he’s working for the old KGB. See above for more information.

ANARCHISTS: They claim that government is simply an attempt to enslave the populations of this planet, and that no one is truly free as long as there is a government in power.

UBER ATHEISTS: Bill Mauer likes to relate upon his audience that 10% of the country is atheist, which is a lot more than there are followers of the Church of Scientology. He claims that atheists aren’t being vocal enough and that there should be an atheist evangelization in this country to get people to accept true freedom. I can’t let you do that, Bill. I understand that you’re an entertainer and that you’re on a mission to civilize. That’s fine. But I can’t let you give others the permission to step on the toes of history and erase people’s entire understanding of the fabric of the universe.

CREATIONISTS: I’d like to believe in my religion as well, but not to the point of denying the public school system to teach about evolution, which the Vatican officially accepted as the real deal DECADES ago. Some people just haven’t gotten the memo, and like to pretend that evolution has no basis in reality. Get a grip, Dr. Jones, I just can’t get why you’re so afraid of snakes.

WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH: Between picketing the funerals of dead solders and claiming that God hates fags, they have also had the time to get ridiculed by the majority of the voting class and have pissed off everyone from Baptists, who hate the fact that the WBC calls themselves a Baptist church, and the Pentagon who probably regrets not using a drone on them years ago. They have done an amazing job in uniting Catholics, Jews, Gays, Soldiers, Marines, Airmen, Sailors, Transexuals, Teachers, Muslims, and anyone with sanity to despise them.

BROTHER JED: Brother Jed is a traveling “evangelist” who constantly preaches that good young men and women on college campuses across the country are going to Hell because they aren’t Christian. Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s a sin to do that.

ANN COULTER: She hates muslims. For that, she should seek psychiatric help.

AL SHABAB: Once the ruling party of the Islamic Courts Union in the No-Man’s-Land called Southern Somalia, now a fading memory – Al Shabab was once known for its brutal tactics in enforcing Sharia Law and funding the radical islamic war on America. Young men would disappear from their homes in Mineapolis or Oregon to find themselves in Somalia training to become suicide bombers. That’s no bueno.

SATANISTS: Besides the fact that I have a phobia of satan, Satanists believe that God is the lier and that Satan is the actual good guy. But everyone should realize that Satan is the master of lies and deceit, so they should realize that Satan is the bad guy.

WALDA FREY: He killed the entire Stark household in one single night. That bastard.

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