The Justice and Prosperity of Islam’s Golden Age

Pick up a pencil. Go ahead, sharpen it a little. I mean real sharp. Now take it and hold it it your non-good hand. Look at it real good for a few minutes and contemplate… long and hard. Now what I want you to do is shove it into the center of your other hand as hard as you can. Make sure that you can feel it in the space just beneath your intermediary flanges, and wiggle it around.
This is the sharia law equivalent for punishing someone who is considered a bad writer. (I kind of wish someone would shove a pencil up a large quantity of certain someones over at Fox News – the cheeky bastards).
As an American, of which at this point make up the majority of my over 800 followers, you are probably extremely appalled at my description of the basic traditional customary law accepted by many Muslims around the world. Rightfully so, I mean, it’s not like your God would ever think of sending fourth a lamb with four heads and expecting some schmuck college student to know the difference between tripping balls and a message from God. Guess the jackass philosophy student was to preoccupied with… something… to remember that part from the last book of the bible where the four headed lamb is sent fourth as the first message to humankind that the world is doomed for demolition. OH YEAH! That was your God, I’m sorry, kinda got that guy confused with the other god who only cares about Muslims. Yeah, because THAT GUY is a fucking douchebag.
Joking aside. Sharia law is nothing good for me. To me, sharia law is a step backward. As the Tea Party likes to say; ‘you cannot cut down big mean by tearing down small men.”
Just think about the awesome things that secular democracy provides for mankind. Just name five things. No seriously, just name five, I don’t want to make any of my followers go to the hospital because they tried to think of more then five.
We have interstate highways, to transport our large system of trade and commerce, and to make sure OPEC has one of the strongest lobbies in America. We have playboy magazine, to make sure American men are kept quiet and conform to the capitalist system. We have the freedom of religion, to make sure that the Church of Scientology has the right to do… whatever they do in their quest to take over the world.
I am not in the least bit satirical when I say that America is the world’s greatest nation. When my eighth grade history teacher gave us the option to say the pledge of allegiance, I was one of eight students out of thirty to stand up and say it every single day – not because I was energetic and just wanted to do something – I firmly believed in everything it meant. I still say the pledge every couple of days.
Additionally, like all of my beliefs, you cannot know my true idealism behind the veil of a blast shelter. It is much more complicated then just a few words. That is why Catholics have the catechism and Jews have the Tora. I have my head.
What did happen, though, to the Arabia that I knew of as a child? To the magic carpets, the parting of the Red Sea, the Djinis in a bottle, and the gates of Sesame? The magnificent hanging gardens of Baghdad… now replaced by the glorious reminders of mortar rounds that shook the city to shreds.
War happened. That’s life. It happened in Russia, it happened in Korea, it happened in Ireland. Arabia isn’t so special that it could escape the consequences of war. The Siccoro tried, and the Djin were awakened, but war kills even the supernatural.
And then we felt it.
“What America tastes now is something insignificant compared to what we have tasted for scores of years. Our nation has tasted this humiliation and this degradation for more than eighty years.” – Usama Bin Laden.
War came to America just as it had come to the rest of the world. It was the first time a great American city had ever been successfully targeted and sacked by an outside force on that scale. And it changed us as well.
Everyone touched by war become two-faced and jaded.
The appeal of those dedicated Muslims around the world to revert their new governments toward implementing Sharia law does not come from a hatred of America, though they may say so consciously. It comes from the natural tendency of ALL HUMAN BEINGS to revert to their pre-war greatness. To seclude themselves in sovereignty so that they may, as a people, go back to a way that actually works for them. To revert themselves, because as all human beings have known, the most peaceful existence that has ever been was inside of our mothers wombs. And Sharia law is just one more way to replicate that serenity. Maybe they should try it. It might actually turn out that it does work for them. Maybe the hanging gardens will be seen yet again. Then again, Dave Chapelle might have it right. We will never know for sure. Fuck yo couch!

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